Veganism!
I have been talking about going on a vegan diet with Tana for a few weeks now, saying, “I’ll start it this week…. I’ll start it that week…” and just basically knowing I want to do it, but not committing officially. Originally it was intended as something to help Tana have more ease in her diet (which is not easy for her). I would join along with her to hold her accountable, to cook together, and support each other, plus I wanted to try it for myself just to see if I could maintain it, and if it would shed any light on my fussy stomach. The question occurred to me and I asked myself if I saw this as a fast, and I honestly didn’t, but rather just a temporary lifestyle change. I felt the Lord, however whisper to me, “Why would you not use any opportunity in which you purposefully deny yourself to glorify me?” That hit me, because sometimes I feel like I need to be called to a fast, instead of instigating one, but God was showing me that a) I can and should instigate fasts, I don’t have to be called into one, and b) He wants me to take this specific new diet in the terms of a fast. I see going Vegan as a type of a Daniel fast. I am poking through my copy of “Shaping History through Fasting and Prayer” for encouragement and direction. I am eager. I remember last fall when the Lord was calling me into a fast and I wigged out, grabbing every book I could on fasting and re-writing those books into my sketchjournals, buying vitamins, and writing out a contract with God. I used to dream I would fail my fast with visions of gorging myself on huge pieces of chocolate cake. Ugh, not a pleasant thing to dream on a fast. I even had one dream where I was fasting socks…strange but hey, it could be a good to try sometime.
So as Tana and I were discussing it we agreed this needs to be a fast for the government and our leaders at this time. We will pray and make ourselves aware of what’s taking place in the country to contend for this together. For me however, it will be a multidimensional fast, not only for the government and for the pure practice of fasting and the spiritual discipline therein, but also for my Nazirite vow. This vow of consecration has been the centerpiece of my heart lately, as it should be. As soon as I know it, it will be November 5th again and my year will have past. I am finding myself longing for just one more month, just a little more time to it. And of course I have prayed about the length of it, in the beginning of it hearing that it needs to be at least one year, so that was what I established. I am trying to make chronological sense of the growth I’ve done within the vow so far so I can continue in the last three months on track. An action that would help me understand my present better, considering my horrible memory, would be to document better. That just encourages me more to keep writing about what’s going in my heart: all revelations, bits of wisdom God enlightens me with, and just my own communication with Him. That is why I have this feeling of duty to myself and God as I write, like I can’t move forward until I get this stuff out. It’s just my inner organizer trying to make sense of my mess, and God speaking through it.
But as for this year, and my vow to God, something certainly changed in its recent months. I need to go back to the beginning to make sense of the present. I started this vow November 5th 2010 but I cut my hair back in June of last year, something that created confusion for me right off the bat because when God urged me to cut my hair I was completely unaware of it being one of the conditions of this type of vow, or that God was calling me into a vow, or anything more than my own desperation for Him and eagerness to listen and act on His urgings. It wasn’t until September 12th 2010 that the prayer leader of a touring ministry (Eddie James’ dance and worship gang) approached me at Victory Fellowship with a word from the Lord about the Nazirite vow, something I documented here when it happened back then. It was probably one of the clearest words from the Lord that any stranger has given me, which makes the event stick out in my mind. I took his advice of course, to pray and discern an extreme vow to the Lord. I took my sweet time, researching the vow and looking at Nazirites of the bible in September, fasting in October and seeking God about it until November 5th when I finalized it with a trim of my still-short hair. Even though I had already cut it in June; I didn’t want to cut it so short again, wondering to God if the haircut in June would just count even though I didn’t decide to start the vow until November, so I settled with a trim. But when I trimmed my hair, I remember having reservations about not taking strong drink, eating products of the grapevine, and touching death, the conditions of this vow. Honestly that is unlike me. I usually try to go all or nothing, especially in my relationship with God, and numbers 6 is very specific concerning this vow. So I felt this internal battle, wondering why I was holding back in those conditions. I wasn’t unwilling to not drink alcohol or eat grapes, and I wasn’t worried about that being all too difficult for me either, so what was it? I couldn’t put my finger on it, and I wondered if I should call this vow the Nazirite vow if I wasn’t upholding the exact qualities that make it such. But not wanting those qualities of the vow to stop me from taking it altogether, I just decided to continue with the vow, knowing that God understands what I mean by it, and what He called me into. It’s about me and Him anyway.
My decision not to abstain from alcohol and grape products shouldn’t hinder my entire vow, something that was becoming more and more revealed to me that it was God’s desire. In that beginning time I really questioned if I was actually called to the vow, not wanting to take an extreme vow outside of God’s will or beginning something I couldn’t uphold. But looking back, I see that His initial demand for my haircut in June was a legit and direct invitation to the vow (though I was uneducated about it at the time.) And I realized only recently that my reservations toward alcohol was because God used that in my relationship with Ruby when I met her in December, when we would get together sit down and drink while we talked about God. There was a bonding over our beers, and yes that could’ve happened without, but I believe God very obviously orchestrated the friendship between Ruby and I and somehow for her sake, he knew that drinking with me (not drunkenness mind you) as part of her familiar experience, would make her comfortable and allow His love in her friendship with me. So perhaps that is one explanation for my reservation concerning alcohol: my friendship, influence, and interaction with Ruby though I couldn’t possibly foresee her in my life. I have no explanations whatsoever for my hesitation concerning products of the grapevine, except that it would be hard to avoid grape juice but that wasn’t much my concern. And not touching death didn’t cause any hesitation for me, rather I ‘m trying to live that one out. I consider it more or less not touching things that cause our spirits to die, whether its activities, things, and places. That is probably the hardest aspect of the vow to other Nazirites, and it is difficult to be sure. As for my vow, I would say it’s having a completely undivided heart for God. My vow was more focused on this than anything, something I desperately needed. I stumbled upon the conditions I wrote down for my vow the day I finalized it. And it’s good to break these out often so I know what I promised God and can try my hardest to live by it. I wrote:
“The Conditions of my Nazirite vow, my Consecration and Devotion to the Lord ~ For the duration of at least one year (at the Lord’s discretion) starting November 5th 2010:
· The core focus of my vow as directed by the Lord- Continuing with my vow of chastity and purity unto my wedding day, I will not give myself in any way (physically, emotionally, etc.) to another person but God. But this will be a magnified and intensified version of that idea; an expansion in which I will not pursue, engage in or allow, for at least one year, any romantic relationship so that I can realize, seek, and practice loving Jesus as my one thing desire, my husband, my lover, and the fulfillment of my every need.
· I will devote attention to His Word and to prayer, practicing heightened devotion to both.
· I will practice unrelenting obedience, focusing on following His every call as the Spirit inside beacons, acting promptly, practicing not holding back, hesitating, or stumbling to do His will.
· I will try to cultivate a spirit of poverty and lowliness, praying for humility and a servant’s heart, complete with opportunities to learn hands-on serving others. I will practice giving to others without holding back, as well as not thinking lofty of myself, but considering everyone as more important than I. To stimulate this, I will fast buying clothes for six months. (This was what sparked in my heart when the Lord called me to cut my hair- it was to shed my vanity, look at the real beauty of the heart, and really exactly what Romans 12:2 says, “Do not conform to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect.”)”
This is the vow that I have been living for nearly nine months, and let me tell you, this year has been the most rewarding year of my young life and even though I’ve faced some big difficulties, I have climbed with the Lord’s help, to the top of a mountain in my heart. I believe that this vegan fast, Daniel fast, in these last threeish months is from the Lord as a big component of my vow, feeling that he has lessons in it for me to learn. It’s like a season within a season. So Tana and I officially started the fast Monday July 18th and for me it will end with the rest of my vow on November 5th, unless God directs me to go longer with it. So far it’s been a bit of a challenge, especially because dairy is everywhere and hard to avoid, even on things like Doritos and salad dressings. Also I’ve had to explain it to people and I find myself talking about it openly, which makes fasting a hard secret to keep, though we are called to not led on to others what we are doing so as to please our Father in secret who will reward us in the open, and to avoid boasting in it. I will be working on that…I like to share it with others, and so have a big mouth. Also ordering at the few restaurants I’ve been to this week was annoying for the servers and myself with all of my modifications But it’s all worth it obviously. AND at work multiple people came this week bringing awesome deserts, one time half a cake even. I know that the enemy tempts us as soon as we enter a fast. For my meals, I’m forced to be creative with my food, and I’m exercising a self restraint and denial of my body like never before, which is awesomely bending the will of my body under the Holy Spirit within me. Sometimes it feels good to be hungry, a physical expression of the hunger of my heart for God. Thank you Lord for this fast!
And I am not done yet with this vow; he’s working on me and I invite it and desire him to so much. I really want to go out with a bang from this period; something completely amazing, selling all the possessions of my heart for the great treasure and priceless pearl that is Jesus and His Kingdom! I just want to be completely sold out to Him, in my words and more importantly in my actions! I am very much shouting right now because I am so pumped to do His will and live this vow out, excited to see where and how it will end and who I will be at the end!! I’ve already changed subtly, but also beautifully, radiantly! Jesus, make me your little saint, Lord, your little flower! Pure spotless, blameless, upright, holy, and good before you! Mold me into the pleasing woman you created me to be, with a priceless gentle and quiet spirit nurtured with wisdom and servanthood, seasoned with love Lord! And Jesus, THANK YOU for doing all these works in me, for calling me to his vow and giving me the strength to live it out!
I received the best compliment of my life the other day from a friend at St. Peters. She looked at me, put her hand on my shoulder, and said, “Laura, you just bring me such joy. You have the Holy Spirit on you and whenever I’m around you I am filled with it! You’re so beautiful and I will be praying for you every day.” Her comment just stirred something in my heart and I told her it blew me away, lacking words to really reply. I did manage to tell her that is the best compliment I’ve ever heard. Then I realized it is all the Lord, it is all because I have submitted myself to Him and He is with me. What she is really seeing is Christ and he is always the one to thank, to point to and say, ‘there’s love, He’s the one’! But she really made me see that I am on the right track, I am living successfully in Christ! I do realize success is on an edge and it’s easy to fall off either way, so I must keep with humility and boast in nothing but Him. Oh Lord, thank you for showing me what affect I am having in living this vow out and living for you. It so encourages me and makes me more and more certain of what you’re doing in and through me Lord. Please grace me with strength for the last of it, though my heart is sad at the thought of ending this season, but I know there’s another season coming up, whether that’s life or death, nothing will separate you from me and me from you. You are always with me, no matter if I am on a vow or not. Still I pray for your love to remain strong in me even after this season. Give me your life Lord, and let me live like you, truly Christ-like! I want the heart of a saint God. Longing to see more than your beautiful bronze feet someday, oh Jesus, when can I see all of you?! Be with me Lord, be near. It is in your name, in your beautiful, glorious, passionate name I pray these things.
