The Changing Season
The season is indeed changing. This is true obviously when you look at it in terms of nature, and how thankful I am for spring! But even though the weather is warmer and world greener, I’m not talking about the seasons of nature, but instead the season of my soul.
The Lord has brought my heart, within the last two weeks, into a new period. I examined this change and realized my moving to Omaha to live with Tana is directly related, if not the very spark of this new season. Tana and I were discussing how unexplainably happy we’ve both been in these recent weeks and we both concluded that God is taking us into a renewing time. I was hitting a wall at home, with my parent’s TV constantly on and no space to think, rest, read, be creative or at peace. I felt God telling me over and over earlier this year not to become ‘busy’ and risk taking my eyes off Him. I prayed for His direction and Grace not to, but when I asked Him if should intern at Bemis knowing it would make me busy He said yes, not only by giving me a position there, but my old job at the factory back as well at the same time! I went from being pretty open in my time, to not having any and, forgive me Lord, I did step away and loose sight of Him those three months from Feb. through April, until now. I know not going to the House of Prayer has had a hand in my desert spot as well, and I’m looking forward to re-igniting my presence in that fireful place. It’s so strange reflecting on this and seeing that we get stuck in patterns and until something changes in our lives, spiritual stagnancy can get the better of us, if not the whole of us.
At the house with Tana I have had the opportunity and atmosphere to actually be with Jesus again in a way I have painfully missed. My faith, probably a lot like most, is often like a undulating rollercoaster. Or like the ebbing and flowing of the ocean waves. I was telling Tana the last time I felt a peak coming on it was when I returned from UNI last spring and I poured my presence and heart out at HHOP, putting all my energy there. I cried out to God then, knowing that after summer classes at UNI I had definitely needed a reunion with Him, having been busy then too. I cried and wept, face to floor kind of prayer, asking God to come and break me. Break my heart God so I can be renewed, I cried in prayer at HHOP. He really did, and I began to hear His voice, my spirit aligning with His. And again at OneThing He moved so profoundly. I re-allowed and invited Him to begin working in me, teaching me priceless things I feel blessed by. I think my entire walk, since six years old has been Him working on me, building me up and giving me the tools I need to do His work. Whether it’s small like the little flower St. Terese, or something more enormous, I have no idea.
But that’s a little out-of-orbit for right now, I’ll bring this back to Earth. Yesterday I was supposed to go to a graduation party in Glenwood, but when Ruby mentioned she was going to Saturday night mass I felt led to go with her, and to go to confession as well which was very good. Then when I got home I asked Tana randomly if she was going to church and not knowing what was going on mentally I said I wanted to go to her church, Waypoint, with her. I realize now the Holy Spirit took control of my mouth then. My will said, “Yeah! I wanna go to church with Tana!” after the Holy Spirit already told Tana I was going. Funny how that works. So we went to the 9am service and enlightenment hit me like a load of bricks. I understood why God led me there. The message was out of Matthew 8:11-21. Jesus in these passages is sighing out of frustration and probably sadness that his apostles are just blinded. They lacked the sight of faith to see His miracles in the multiplication of the loaves and fish, and even more so, their lack of sight was confirmation from the prophet Jeremiah to Jesus when he quotes the prophet in Matthew 8:17-18, “Don’t you understand yet? Are your minds so dull? You have eyes to see- can’t you see? You have ears to hear- can’t you hear?” The pastor elaborated on this point of blindness by asking us, “Are you seeing correctly?” He explained that if we’re not seeing in Kingdom terms (that is looking to live according to HIS will and HIS kingdom), we’re blinded. Blinded with unbelief. Blinded with our self-interests- wanting to put His kingdom on our terms. The point was stressed that we get caught up in our “needs” and wants and forget the world- that everything must take 2nd place next to Jesus. This was what God was warning me about and He wanted to explain Himself today to me, telling me that I in my business lost sight of Him. I lost sight of His kingdom. Yes I was praying and fulfilling my duties in ways, but neglecting to gaze on my Father, neglecting to seek out His kingdom over my life. When this realization came to me I went to a prayer minister and was prayed over, realizing I needed everything she asked God for over me. Then I went back to my seat and wept and prayed once again, just as I did last spring for Him to break me. I prayed, “Lord, forgive me! Forgive me father for being so blinded and missing the point you warned me of! I am guilty Lord and my heart is sour- it knows it wants you desperately but I have divided it. Lord reunite me to your heart God and break me, bend me, mold me, shape me to your will! In the name and on the blood of Jesus this is my prayer!”
Various verses have been occurring to me; “..one thing I desire…” “..do not let that day catch you by surprise…” “..have an undivided heart…” “offer yourself as a living sacrifice…” All of these are whispers of the Holy Spirit to me, beckoning. And it’s not like He ever stops beckoning, no, we just don’t listen, don’t see. But in this new season, I am again listening and seeing, and I pray I don’t miss anything. Last spring God moved powerfully, and that’s the way we must live: with room and ability to let God move in, through, and around us. So I am super excited to say the least for what God’s doing in Tana and I at our house, and all around really. I recognize myself emerging out of my cold wintery heart that I blinded, and into a warm, bright, and inviting spring, full of renewal and sight! I’m looking forward to the experiences and new friendships God is placing in my life, just praying I retain that Kingdom vision.
Lord, my love, bless your people with sight. Help us turn our eyes to you God and away from the world. I love you my beloved.
